im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
