She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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