I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
