Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
