So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
