My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
