Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
