Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
