take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
