My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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