theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
