Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
