you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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