hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
