there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
