he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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