Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
