I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
