I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
