On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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