What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
