Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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