dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Alive.
So much puke
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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