Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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