Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
