How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Randomize
