You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
