god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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