Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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