So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
