I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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