i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
