I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
