the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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