How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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