just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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