why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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