I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
