my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
