just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
