Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
