I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
