he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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