remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
