I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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