I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
