Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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