I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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