HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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