So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
