a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
