He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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