Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
