how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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